The Once-A-Month Poltergeist

I am retroactively jealous of my high school girl self. Not for her innocence, high metabolism or endless energy. Not for her perky boobs or youthful face free of fine lines, either. I am jealous of the relationship she had with my uterus.

You see, my uterus and I used to have a great relationship. She first made her presence known when I was about 12 years old. I can't say I was exactly thrilled about the unexpected reddish spotting in my favorite teal blue satiny underwear, but I came to appreciate that she was just introducing me to my biological clock. She was all like, "Hey, girl. You are a woman now. You have the ability to procreate. You know, just FYI and all that."

Throughout high school and college, my uterus was pretty mild-mannered. She would give me some mild cramping and bloating now and then before my cycle (which came every 28 days like clockwork), just to remind me she was there. Nothing more than a friendly, tentative tap-on-the-shoulder kind of thing. Sometimes during times of extreme stress, she would leave me alone and not bleed at all for a month or so. It was almost as if she didn't want to burden me with her troubles on top of whatever else was going on in my life.

In 2005, my uterus graciously accepted the new life created by my then husband and I. For nine months, she nourished my baby girl while keeping her safe and warm. Then, she became the portal that transported that baby into the world. I was very delighted and happy with the job she did for me. As a baby gift, she even gave me a break from my periods for about 10 months while I breastfed my daughter and adjusted to life as a new mother. When she did give me back my cycle, I was like, "Oh, hi, uterus!" I had started to wonder when she would make her presence known again.

But then....Things started to change between us for reasons I am unsure of.

About 2 years after my daughter's birth, my uterus started to do some new and rather unpleasant things. Instead of the cramping I would get just the day before my flow started, I was starting to get cramps 3 or 4 days ahead of time. And these cramps were decidedly worse than any I'd had before. Gone were the days of my periods coming with very little warning.

I didn't really make a big deal out of it at first. My flow was still relatively light and I was thankful I wasn't one of those girls who bleed so heavily, they get anemic. However, my symptoms became more and more difficult to ignore. In the span of a few months, my uterus started cramping about a week before my flow and these cramps were accompanied by excruciating body aches, exhaustion, dizziness and sometimes a low-grade fever. During my flow, it was as if I was being stabbed continuously from the inside with a rusty, dull dagger. Other times it felt like I had a bunch of little samurais in there throwing around little ninja stars. I couldn't believe how miserable an organ the size of a grape was making me feel. To top it all off, the week following my flow was also hell. I had migraines and felt weak and drained. I literally had only two weeks, if that, out of the entire month where I was free from the torturing grip of my uterus.

It was the rectal pain that finally made me go to my Ob-Gyn. As if the bleeding and cramping weren't enough, it was all now accompanied by stabbing rectal pain anytime I sat on the toilet. The pain was so crazily excruciating that I would black out, then have to crawl to bed and rest for awhile.

My Ob-Gyn ended up taking me to surgery about a week after that appointment. She performed an exploratory laparotomy, probing around inside my abdominal cavity with a little camera to see if she could find out what the hell was going on. Well, my uterus was all smug in there, and had made a bit of a mess of my insides by flinging some endometriosis all over the place. Endometriosis is a messed up condition where tissue that lines the inside of the uterus somehow ends up outside of the damn uterus for no apparently rational reason. Then, during "that time of the month", that outside tissue also swells up and bleeds just like the tissue that remains inside the uterus. As I had found out, this can be a pretty painful condition.

My doc removed as much of the endometriotic tissue as she could. It was mostly my bladder, intestines and colon that were affected. But there was also some endometriosis that couldn't be removed; it was too deep within the tissue of some of my organs. In addition to that, some scarring had formed abnormal connections between my colon and uterus and had to be snipped and cauterized.

After the surgery, the rectal pain was significantly reduced, and my periods were more tolerable. For a few months, I thought all was well, but my uterus wasn't done with me. Next, she enlisted my ovaries in on her scheme. I'm guessing it's because she had been subdued and figured she'd use the talents of my ovaries to change things up a bit and watch me burn some more.

This new pain--the ovarian cyst--was like no other. One particularly harrowing bout of cyst fun landed me in the ER, writhing loudly in pain. Even morphine brought me no relief. The only thing that got me through the pain was anger. What the ever-living fuck, Uterus?! I hissed as I hobbled out of the ER hours later; weak, shaking and sweaty.

It was then that I began to see my uterus as a sort of otherworldly entity. Like a ghost. No, more like a poltergeist. According to a lot of those experts who study hauntings, ghosts cannot interact with their environment. Poltergeists, on the other hand, are able to wreak havoc on their environment. They smash things, throw things, hurl objects around, slam people into walls or try to suffocate them in their beds and crap like that. The experts will often say that ghosts and poltergeists are angry because they are distraught over "unfinished business". Once you figure out what it is that these entities want and give it to them, they will become satisfied and go away.

"Okay, uterus," I say every month when she starts getting pissy. "What do you want from me?! Why are you mad? Is it because you enjoyed being pregnant, so you're punishing me every month for not being pregnant? Or did you not like being pregnant and you're still acting out on that grudge? It's been over seven years, let it go!...Wait, I know....You're still pissed about the C-section, aren't you? Because they cut, pummeled and squeezed you to get the baby out. Or maybe it's the IUDs? First the copper one that made you bleed more than normal, or maybe the Mirena one that made you be quiet for about a year? Damn, that was a good year. I wore lots of thongs, didn't have to buy pads or tampons the entire time. You know, I'm sorry I had to do that, but you were really pissing me off. Maybe you're just bitter, but why? Are you sick of being poked by tampons and squished by snug-fitting jeans? I'm sorry. I like them a little snug! Or are you sick of being prodded and scraped once a year for a pap smear, is that it? Then probed by an ultrasound transducer whenever you give me trouble, is that what it is? Uterus??"

I have even considered getting out a Ouija board and asking it to help me communicate with my uterus.

"Ouija board, what does my uterus want to tell me?"

"C-O-M-E....A-T....M-E...., B-R-O-!"

What?!! 

Well, I am still trying to get to the bottom of what is going on with my uterus. I'm still searching for the root cause of the breakdown in our relationship. I  pop Motrin like candy until the stupid little grape-sized organ releases me from its grip at the end of my cycle. I have to take Zantac to counteract the stomach-eroding effects of the Motrin. In addition, I try my damnedest to make sure I've got nothing going on when my period starts because it renders me completely useless in every way to everyone in my life.

I am hoping that my uterus and I will make amends before she is due to retire in about 20 years. 

Because twenty years is a long time to be in such a miserable relationship, is it not?

Next, maybe I will try exorcising my uterus. Like, of the demonic variety-type exorcism. Yes, I am that kind of desperate.