I Didn't Do That Wrong Enough!: A Parody

At any given time in life, every single one of us can probably think of a bazillion things we should've done better. We might say things like, "I wish I'd been a better parent/sibling/employee/spouse." Or we might think about good, helpful things that we should've done but didn't...."I wish I would've confessed to my parents that I stole that candy bar from the gas station when I was 10," or, "I wish I would've told my friend's cousin before she got pregnant that her husband was cheating on her wih his half-brother's cousin's wife." What?!

Well, let me ask this: What about the things that we shouldn't have done that we never did but should've? After you've thought about that question (I had to say it out loud a couple times to make it make sense to myself), read about some of the things I wish I'd done when I was younger:

1. Cheat on all my boyfriends: When I was way too young to be making any kind of serious commitment to a guy, I was doing it anyways. I was barely 14 when I believed myself to be in my first "committed" relationship. Really? I mean, come on what the fuck?! To make it worse, the guys I chose to devote myself to were all sneaky, arrogant manchildren with at least several co-morbid life conditions or severe mental hang-ups. For example, my first two loverboys had bitch-ass drunks for mothers who called me names and talked shit about me as if I wasn't standing right there. One boyfriend suffered a brain injury when he was 8, which affected his mental capacity for sure, but was largely used as an excuse to be a combative, abusive asshat. Another guy had a huge moral chip on his shoulder, looking down on anyone who smoked or so much as took a sip of alcohol, even on special occasions. After he graduated from college, he became a renowned chain-smoking alcoholic. What the actual fuck, dude? I know for a fact that most of those shit-for-brain fucksticks cheated on me. So I shouldn't have made a big deal out of it. I should've just done it too! Right back at them! Sounds immature, yes. But why did those dickheads get to have all the fun? There were several cuties I turned down because I was in a "serious" relationship. Meanwhile, the morons I dated would immediately jump in the sack with anything that made googly eyes at them and had a decent pair of tits. If unfaithfulness were a blade, I would've totally shanked those dumbass guys with it!
2. Party too much: I've never in my life been completely shit-faced drunk. For a few reasons. For one, I had a rabid drive to succeed in life as soon as possible, and partying was a distraction. I hung out with a lot of party-type people and didn't usually judge their actions, but it was just not on my agenda. Secondly, I was with the "moral-chip-on-his-shoulder" guy from the time I was 17 until I was almost 23. Thems are some of the best partying years gone, right there! Young, full of energy, and a hot, perky body still unaffected by age and gravity! But nope. Moral-chip-on-his-shoulder guy didn't approve. He was like the "NO." meme face. For realz. Thirdly, and kind of sadly, I hate feeling sick. I will drink to the point where I feel like I kinda sorta might be just starting to feel the very beginning of shit-face syndrome and then I will stop. I'm perfectly content to be buzzed and happy. I hate nausea. I hate dizziness. But when I was younger, I may have not cared as much. I'm not saying I would've drove under the influence or anything like that, but I should've partied at least a little more and a little harder and have just not given a single fuck about any of it. And I've never smoked a joint. How many people out there have never at least taken a puff of a good 'ol roach? Not many.
3. Have one-night stands: This is something no doubt brought on by numbers 1 and 2 above....But also, maybe if I hadn't jumped from one serious relationship to another when I was younger, I would've had some time to engage in this recreational activity. And no fucks would've been given if people thought I was a slut. Let them! Let them think whatever the fuck!
4. Get in some fights: When I was younger, I let myself get trampled upon by many people. Hell, I still do sometimes. Back in my teens and early 20s, however, I let it get a bit out of control. There were some people that really could've used a good pimp hand bitchslap. I wouldn't have beat anyone into a bloody pulp or anything, just throw them around a little.  When I was about 18, there was this nasty bitch who barely knew me but didn't like me because of something she thought I did to a mutual friend of ours. I went out of my way to avoid places where she hung out. What I should've done is witchhunted that bitch down and, without fear or qualm, smacked her upside her fugly-ass head!
5. Walk out on the job: I have always had strong work ethics, even when I was a kid, no matter how "lowly" the job was. Before I became a nurse, I had a couple of typical "get-through-it" jobs so I could buy clothes and pay for my car insurance, gas and cellphone. I worked for a fast food joint for a couple years, then a movie theater for a couple more. At the fast food place, there were these two pricks who harassed me constantly. They were both guys that could've used a good bitch slap (a la #4, above).  Then, at the theater one day, I started feeling sick as a dog. I was in the bathroom every 15 minutes nursing a headache and dry-heaving when one of the asshat managers got all pissy. I'd told him a few hours earlier in the day that I was feeling shitty and he told me I couldn't leave. He came and opened the bathroom door at one point and started lecturing me about trying to pull through so I could get back to collecting tickets. I should've been like, "Bitch, leave me the fuck alone before I go puke in the ticket stub canister. No one's life is on the line here. This is a movie theater." I know that in his mind, he probably thought he was being a hardcore professional, which is fine, but it's still just a movie theater. An entertainment venue. He was all butthurt because he knew he'd have to take over collecting tickets for me, which would require that he'd have to stand all day and not be able to escape to the manager's office on a regular basis and do manager "work" (read: sit on his ass). Eventually, I meekly reiterated that I felt like shit and he finally let me leave. The next day, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a pretty severe case of mononucleosis and had to take a week off school and work. I fantasized about telling him off: "My spleen could've burst, you shit-for-brains!"

And that concludes my list of should've-been screw-ups! Let me just mention that none of these are things I'd ever consider doing now. No desire whatsoever. In the end, none of it would've changed who I am today. It's just a list of 5 things that are really nothing more than mental masturbation. Things I probably still would've never done but like to think about the shock and entertainment value each would've caused.

Come on....You know you have your own guilty little list of things you "should've" done wrong....