Be Profane and Your Kids Will Refrain..Maybe

“Merlin, I’m gonna beat your ass!”

That is how I talk to my dogs. Usually right before I give them a swift, firm smack on the rump for doing something bad. Like stealing food right off our plates or rolling on dead worm carcasses in the backyard after a good rain. Disclaimer: I don’t actually beat the dogs. I mostly just like to sound tough when I make threats. I have been known to occasionally have a taste for dramatics.

I never thought much about all the swearing I do until Colleen was about 3 years old. Because that quote you see up above….Those were her words. Mimicking my own words, of course. She must have heard me say them to Merlin the day before when he wouldn't stop barking about something. But those words sounded so odd coming out of her mouth. Just the nature of the sentence together with her innocent, high-pitched baby girl voice had a crazy dichotomous ring to it.

I know some of you are probably thinking what a terrible mother I am. Cussing and swearing in front of children is often considered a pretty serious offense. So right after she made that threat to Merlin, I did what any responsible parent would do....

I turned around, walked quickly away from her, and laughed my ass off in the other room for a minute. Then, after I was sure I’d be able to look at her with a straight face, I approached her and chided, "Colleen, no-no. Little girls don't talk like that.” She peered up at me and replied, "Okay."

For the record, when I was growing up, one of the worst things I could do was use profanity. The shame that would ensue if I happened to be caught by my mother was astronomical.

My parents very rarely swore in front of my siblings and me. When they did let loose and swear in front of us, it was when they were having one of their relatively rare fights that involved screaming. We always knew some serious shit was going down when it happened. My brother and I would whisper to each other, wondering if our parents were soon going to divorce.

Ours weren't overly prudent parents, just so you know. They were actually pretty laid back about a lot of things. They didn't hover much. They usually stood back a bit, watching us make various screw-ups in life without intercepting too much so that we could truly learn from our mistakes. But refraining from profane speech was a strict family value. My parents would even chide extended family members at get-togethers if they slipped up in the presence of children. Needless to say, my mom did not really approve of the bumper sticker my uncle had on his car that read, "Shitfuckdamnpisshell!" I think he may have ended up taking it off because of her, but the memory is hazy for me.

When it comes to the F word, I learned about it from other kids sometime in the mid 80's when I was in the 4th grade. That's pretty old to first learn about the good ol’ F bomb, in my opinion!

In the South Park movie, Eric Cartman gets in trouble for saying the F word. He says, "What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anyone. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck!"

Colleen learned about the F word from....well....me. And much earlier than I did. But if she hadn't learned it from me first, she'd have learned it from this naughty little girl in her first grade class who wrote the entire word out on a piece of construction paper for the whole class to see. Hell, I didn't have the luxury of that kind of blatancy when I was young. I had to seek clarification and fill in the blanks on my own. Here's how it happened for me:

I was walking to my grandma's house after school when these two little boys walked past me. They were talking to each other and when they got within earshot, one said to the other,"Oooo, you said the F word!" My curiosity was piqued. When I got to my grandma's, I asked her what the F word was. She was getting ready to make a phone call and paused with her hand on the receiver. Appearing a little nervous, she uttered, "You'd better ask your Uncle Jesse." Looking back now, I realize that she just didn't want to be responsible for my newly acquired vocabulary word.

My Uncle Jesse was a teenager at the time (this was a few years before he got that vulgar bumper sticker for his car). I located him in the family room watching MTV. He too looked a little nervous when I made my inquiry. His eyes darted around.

"Grammie told me I could ask you," I assured him.

He got a clever smile on his face and snickered. "It rhymes with 'duck'," he said smugly. This way, he wasn't technically telling me, either.

I stood there for a moment while the wheels spun in my head, then I grinned. Quietly, tentatively, I replied, "Fuck??"

I went up to my grandma and informed her that I now knew the F word. When my mom arrived later on to pick me up, I said, "Hey, Mom, guess what? Fuck!" And she wasn't very happy. And I was ashamed because it was only after I saw the look of utter disdain on her face that I realized I had just said what's often considered the absolute worst profane word in all of human existence.

I'm not one that goes around cussing and swearing loudly in public. Very rarely will I engage in profane speech in mixed company. And I still refrain when I'm around my parents, especially my mom. But in the comfort of my own home, I let it all hang out. Yes, even in front of my child....Hearing her mimic me that day with the dog was really the first time I considered just what kind of effect my careless rantings were having. So I made a point not to do it anymore....Well, for  a time, anyways.

After a couple years, my tongue got sore from me always biting it. I finally decided that I would rather Colleen hear profanity sometimes than never at all. So, I try to tone it down a little when she's with me, but I don't go out of my way not to swear, either. With all due respect, my parents were doing what they thought was right by their kids. Every family has values that it adheres to, which is good, and I'm thankful for the values my parents bestowed upon me. But I have made the personal choice to go about the whole swearing thing a little differently with my own child.

I never refrain when there's pain!

I want Colleen to know that there's a time and a place for swear words. Think of me what you will, but they can be very effective if used “right” (I will get to that). They are a part of our society. They're not going away, and they'll probably never go out of style. Things like skinny jeans, Justin Bieber, and dubstep music will all go out of style eventually (hopefully!), but not swear words.  The emphasis that they provide is just too convenient and expressive. I was so sheltered from swear words as a kid that I became intrigued by them. For teenage me, swear words developed into tasty, forbidden fruits. I liked using them just a little too much and in situations and places where I shouldn't have. My parents had no way of knowing how I'd be. I didn't misbehave excessively, I wasn't that kind of kid, but I had a slight naughty streak in me with a taste for deviant little indiscretions. For me, using profanity was one of those indiscretions. If that was the worst indiscretion a kid could commit, most of today's parents would be a lot happier than they are with their kids’ behavior.

I feel I must mention that there are some bad words that I refuse to use, so if Colleen knows them, she didn't hear them from me. Racial slurs are a good example. As far as I know, Colleen has never even heard the N word. She's never asked about it, and she is usually very curious when she hears a term or word she doesn't know. She will often wait and come to her dad or I and ask about it. I suppose I should educate her about what the N word means before she learns it from someone else, then possibly uses it, not truly understanding the atrocity of it. Then there are the three derogatory words for the female anatomy that I rarely use: p_ssy, tw_t, and c_nt....See, I can't even type them! She knows the female anatomy simply as "girl parts". As far as male anatomy, I rarely say the word "dick" in front of her, either. It would really confuse her if she heard me refer to someone as a "dick" and then I had to explain to her what it means; she had an old, beloved Uncle Dick that passed away a few years ago.

So is it wrong of me to be so laissez-faire about the whole profanity thing with my own daughter? Perhaps it is a bit of a gray area. I suppose that eventually, it could end up backfiring and she could become a little cussbucket for awhile like I was. I'll deal with that if it happens. But I got over that stage quickly and am perfectly capable of knowing when I shouldn't swear. As for how Colleen is turning out so far, I can’t complain. In fact, ever since that day I heard her threaten Merlin with bodily harm, she hasn't uttered a single swear word. Even if she is quoting someone else, she won't say the actual word. She doesn't even like to say the words that are "not-quite-swear-words", like "crap". I said it once in place of "shit", trying to be a little less cussy, and she inquired, "Mommy, is that a bad word?" I told her it wasn't a swear word, just not a very nice word. She uses it sparingly. Same thing with "sucks".

There are other factors to consider in this as well, the major one being the child as an individual with their own thought processes and values. For example, when Colleen's dad was a kid, all his parents had to do was tell him not to do something, and he wouldn't do it. No arguing, no resistance. I, on the other hand, wasn't afraid to question things, test the waters, and get a little defiant. Plus, I went through that stage some kids go through for awhile where they consider their parents to be way uncool.. So, things my parents liked, I made a point to not like. And things they didn't like, well, those things were cool, ya know?  My dad didn't like it when I listened to heavy metal; therefore, heavy metal was cool. But he also was a smoker, and because of that, smoking was stupid. That worked out well, because I still think smoking is uncool....though, who knows how much I actually have my dad to thank for that. Maybe I just don't like smoking because it gives people stinky breath and causes cancer.

Hell, with the whole "uncool parent" thing in mind, I guess at the very least, I could claim the whole reverse psychology thing! As in, swearing in front of your kids will make them think it's uncool and so they won't do it! Right? Heh, fat chance I suppose.....

In the end, I don't think I'll have to worry about Colleen not being able to get her point across to someone when "nicer" words would fall short....

If someday she were to catch her husband cheating on her with her best friend, is he really going to understand just how she feels if she says, "You jerk, how could you?! This really hurts me, I am so upset!! I never want to see you again!!"

No. It'll come across a LOT more clearly if she says, "You fucking asshole bastard motherfucker! God dammit! How the fuck could you do this to me?! I hope you die and go to hell and get skullfucked by satan! You'd better get the fuck out of my house, you dirty son-of-a-bitch!" And if I were to be there when it happened, I would wholeheartedly approve! That’s my girl! Give him hell!

Oh, just as an aside....I don't use the word skullfuck in front of Colleen. That one is just a tad too gauche and barbaric yet for my girl. See? I have my priorities set straight. Dammit.

Exactly my point.